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This Mother's Day weekend, Dr. Kurt Bjorklund walks through the qualities of a noble woman listed in Proverbs 31, and what rests behind it: giving our lives away to Christ and each other.

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Hey, Happy Mother's Day. Welcome to Orchard Hill online. Again, it's good to be together. You know, in the coming weeks, we hope to be able to make some clear decisions about the future, and Kidsfest, and when to relaunch in person services. Notice how I'm saying relaunch in person services, not reopen, because we've never been closed. The church is people, and therefore you can't close a church ultimately, but we look forward to the days of being together. 

Certainly, with this being Mother's Day, I want to wish all of the mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day. And this is probably a Mother's Day unlike one that we've thought we would never have. Mother's Day where there's no grandma, there's no brunch, there's no gatherings to commemorate the day. Hopefully, if you're a mom, your food at least is being taken care of. In fact, Mother's Day is kind of one of those days in the life of the church that is often a day that churches make this big deal out of mothers and then dads, Father's Day, it's like, hey dads, get with it and give yourself something harder. In fact, one year I said something kind of like that. And I think I got probably the angriest email I ever got from somebody because she said, I didn't honor mother's enough. And, you know, the point of that is just to say today we're going to take some time and talk about mothers.  

And so, we're going to look at Proverbs 31, which is a chapter in the book of Proverbs, obviously, that addresses women, specifically. Now, the Book of Proverbs was written to young men. And at the very end of the book, it tells us about this woman of noble character. And what I'd like to do is just simply read through the verses that are pertinent here, and as I read through them, I'm just going to make some comments and then some statements at the end. So, here's what it says, "A wife of noble character who can find?" This is Proverbs 31, verse 10, "She is worth far more than rubies." And what this says, very simply, is that a wife of noble character, some translations say an excellent wife, who can find, in fact the Hebrew there is a word of basically saying a woman of great strength or a veiler. And in Proverbs chapter 12, verse 4, it says this, "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay to his bones." And this is a statement that is, is really just saying, in essence, that if you have a wife who has strong character, she'll be like a crown on your head, but if you don't, it will rot away your bones.  

I like how Tim Keller talked about this, saying that a wife, or a spouse in general, can reshape your self-image. He said your natural self-image is a compilation of verdicts that have been passed on to you by various people over the years. But when you marry, your spouse has the ability to overturn all of those verdicts. If the world says that you're ugly, but your spouse says you're beautiful, you'll feel beautiful. Your spouse has the power to massively reprogram your self-image and to heal you from many of your deepest wounds of the past. 

Now, I don't think he's overstating it. But it's important, just as we say this to say that the choosing of a spouse is one of the most important decisions any of us will ever make. And if it's true that a wife or a husband can be a crown and the person with character and somebody without can rock the bones, what this means is that you know when you're with somebody and they help you feel better about yourself, not because they just give you flowery words, but because they see you for who you are, they affirm who you are in a way that brings life into you that that is a beautiful thing. And what this means is if you're single, that you at least pay attention to this, not just the outward trappings, but you pay attention to who it is that you're dating and how they make you feel about yourself. 

Now notice that it says an excellent wife who can find. Just a quick note on this and this is really about those of you again who are single, notice that the word find implies that you actually have to look for a spouse. So, some of us who may be young may look at our lives and say, well, you know, I'm just going to wait for something to happen. I'm going to wait for somebody to drop from the sky. But you actually need to avail yourself if you want a spouse, of looking for a spouse.  

Now, I'm not suggesting that you jump on Tinder and swipe, you know, right or left. Now I know some of you have found your spouse on Tinder, I've done some of your weddings. But what I mean is that you are somebody who says I'm open and I'm looking. And especially if you're a young man, what this means is that you may need to put some effort into it. You may want to shave, you might want to put on some deodorant, you might want to get a job. Those things are helpful when it comes to finding a spouse. Some young men spend so much time gaming that they have no game, but what this means is that you say this is a worthwhile pursuit in life to say I want somebody to be a partner. And one of the reasons I kind of joke about this is because this is something that is a worthwhile part of young adulthood to say, I would like somebody to spend my life with and I'm not too proud to seek, to find it.  

So that's just how this starts, an excellent wife, or a wife of noble character who can find? She's worth far more than rubies. Verse 11, says this, "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. And what verse 11 talks about is this idea that he has full confidence in her, and he trusts in her that he doesn't have to worry about what her life is about, or how she will do certain things.  

I was noticing that one of the best sellers that's just been making the rounds is this book called Untamed. And it's a book by a lady who's written several things and here's just what some people have said or how the book is described in its own self-promotion. "In her most revealing and powerful memoir yet, the activist speaker, bestselling author, and patron saint of female empowerment, explores the joy and peace we discover when we stop striving to meet others expectations and start trusting the voice deep within." And then it says this at another point, "There is a voice of longing inside each woman. We strive so mightily to be good, good partners, daughters, mothers, employees, and friends. We hope all of this striving makes us feel alive. Instead, it leaves us feeling weary, stuck, overwhelmed, and underwhelmed. We look at our lives and wonder wasn't it supposed to be more beautiful? We quickly silence that question telling ourselves to be grateful and hiding our discontent even from ourselves. For many years, Glennon Doyle denied her own discontent. Then while speaking at a conference she looked at a woman across the room and fell instantly in love. Three words flooded her mind, 'There she is.'"  

And what Untamed is, is this bestselling book that people are hailing as this book of wisdom. It's a story of how she left her husband and her kids, and fell in love with this woman, and untamed set aside all the shackles of traditional life to find the life that she was meant to live. Now, my guess is, there are men and women everywhere who resonate with the idea of feeling stuck in a life and there are times to step out of a stuck life. Biblically, there are times to step out of a stuck life.  

But notice that what Proverbs does is it says a husband can trust his wife not to say, you know what, as soon as this isn't good for me, I'm moving on to somebody or something else. You see what a wedding vow is, is this not a promise of current love or a statement of current love, it's a promise of future love. 

One of the trends in weddings these days is to have people write their own vows. And one of the things I've noticed is that as people write their own vows, they often take out a lot of the traditional language that says, for better for worse, in sickness and in health, in richer for poor, I will be there with you. And what people are saying now is, you know what, I love you, I promise to be your best friend, to be your lover, and to be your life partner. And as long as we both are thriving; I will be there for you. But it takes out the essential element of this future promise. And what Proverbs 31 says is that a person, a wife of noble character is somebody who can be trusted when she makes a promise to keep her word. And this is true by the way for men too. A lot of people I'm sure, men and women feel this burden of saying I'd like to be untamed. But being untamed, does not have to be incongruent with keeping our word or being trustworthy to somebody.  

In fact, I know I've said this often over the years, but one of the ways that you know that one of our longings is for deep commitment is the love songs of every genre and every era because love songs consistently say what, not, I'll be with you as long as it's good for me, as long as it's good for you, but I'll be with you forever. And what they're saying is that is the longing of the heart, but that takes a deep sense of commitment.  

So, the woman in Proverbs 31, the excellent wife, or the wife of noble character is trustworthy. And there's an endurance that is here in the relationship. "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life." Notice that endurance, all the days of his life. And then verse 13, and 14, "She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar," talking about a woman who will gather and make clothes for her family. Now, making clothes isn't probably part of our era. And so what you can say, women, is if you go to Marshalls and select clothes for your family, that you are acting on a biblical mandate of Proverbs 31, of gathering clothes and putting things together for your family.  

Verse 15, "She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants." In other words, she's industrious, and she doesn't stop working. Verse 16, "She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard." Talking about her economic kind of wherewith all, that she isn't just a person who says I only worry about what's home, but she looks outside the home and has economic capacities and contributions. And as part of the economic unit of the family, verse 17, "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." I mean, this woman is into CrossFit. She goes to Nine Rounds. I mean, she's working out. Okay, maybe that's not exactly what that's talking about. But what it's saying is that there's a character and a resilience and a strength that is here all the time. 

Verse 18, "She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night." Again, just a statement about her endurance, her industry. "In her hand she holds the distaff and grasp the spindle with her fingers." Again, talking about probably making of clothes. "She opens her arms to the poor" verse 20, "and extends her hands to the needy." And this is talking about just a spirit of generosity, saying that she doesn't just look after her own needs, but she looks after the needs of other people.  

I saw an interview recently with Condoleezza Rice and John Ortberg was interviewing her. She attends a church that John Ortberg pastors, Menlo Park, I think it's the church now, it used to be a Presbyterian Church. And Condoleezza Rice has been a member of that church since she was in her early 20s. When she first went to Stanford, she's since served as Secretary of State and the provost, I think, or chancellor at Stanford, maybe president. I probably should have researched exactly her career track. But she's been a woman of great renown. And in the interview with John Ortberg, he said, I understand that you have an ambition for when you retire. And she said, Yes. She said, you know what I want to do? She said, I want to be a church lady. And John said well tell us about that. And she said, well, I want to be a church lady because when I was growing up, church ladies and she said still are the ladies who were always at church who were making everything happen. They would be the ones who would teach the kids, they would serve the poor, and they would make sure that things ran. I've been busy throughout my life and I've done a lot of things. When I retire, I want to be a church lady. I thought that was striking because here's one of the most accomplished women of our generation, saying, do you know what I want to do, I want to serve people. That's my highest calling. And what she's doing is she's saying I'm going to open my arms to people and extend my hands to the needy.  

Verse 21, "When it snows, she has no fear for her household;" notice the security that's here. "For all of them are clothed in Scarlet. She makes covering for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple." And in this, there's a statement, maybe about luxury. She provides but she doesn't have a hesitation to enjoy the good things. 

Verse 23, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes a seat among the elders of the land." In other words, she helps her husband succeed, is what is implied here. Again, Tim Keller puts it this way, to serve someone else's promotion and success does not compromise your dignity and greatness. Rather it establishes it. And then in verse 25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Verse 26, "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." And this is a phrase in Hebrew.  

If you've been at our any of our evening devotionals through Psalms, you've probably heard us talk about the word hesed, which is the Hebrew word for loving kindness. Here it's teaching with hesed is how the NIV translates faithful instruction. Some say wisdom or training with wisdom. But what this is talking about is the way in which the woman of Proverbs 31 is, able to instruct her household and her children gently and lovingly, and that she does it with great care.  

Now there's a contrast in Proverbs. And the contrast is the person who nags. This is Proverbs 21 verse 9 and then verse 19. It says, "Better to live in the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Verse 19, "Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife." Now notice the contrast here between somebody who is quarreling and nagging and somebody who instructs with hesed or loving kindness, somebody who's able to in a sense, redirect people with loving kindness. See what nagging is it's doing a drive by kind of shot at somebody at the way that they do things, or their character, or their goodness, whereas loving instruction is always pointing people to something higher, something better than this.  

Then we see this verse 28. It says this, "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. And then verse 29, repeats again, kind of the idea of verse 10. It says, "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." You are a woman of greatness. And then it says this verse 30, "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting;" or vain is how some translations put it, "but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Charm is deceitful. Beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  

This brings together a couple things. Charm was talked about in chapter 11, verse 16 and verse 22, where we're told about a charming woman getting her ways and a man of violence getting a good end. In other words, charm and violence are put together as characteristics that help people get ahead. And so here when charm is brought back up, what it's in essence saying is that sometimes a woman will come across very together, but it can be deceptive, it can be for your destruction. And then it says, beauty is vain. And the word here for vain or it's fleeting, is the same word that's used in Ecclesiastes chapter 1 where we're told that everything is vanity, and the word in Hebrew means it's like a puff of smoke. In other words, it's saying that your beauty is like a puff of smoke. It's fleeting. It doesn't last. 

Sometimes when I officiate weddings, I'll say this, I don't say it at all the weddings because not everyone thinks that this is a great comment. But sometimes I'll say to the husband and the wife who are getting married or the bride and the groom, you know, this is as good as you will ever look in your life. You know, take a good look at each other. This is the pinnacle of your physical beauty. And the point that I try to make is just that ultimately your beauty is fading. It doesn't mean that you won't find the person more attractive in the years ahead. But it means that because of the aging process you cannot continue to make yourself more and more beautiful physically. That's what Proverbs is saying here. But what it's saying is that as much as the magazines and TV shows glamorize beauty, real beauty is found within and that people who really get beauty will understand that. And by the way, this is not just a female issue. I mean, you've heard a lot about female body shaming that goes on in terms of the way that culture presents the ideal women, but pay attention to some of the images that you have of men too and you'll see the same thing is true.  

And I don't know if any of you have noticed this during coronavirus, but when people do their little selfies, like celebrities, and they don't have the makeup artists and all of that, you're like they don't look so good. Because beauty is fleeting. And the point that is being made here is not that beauty is unimportant, not that attraction is unimportant, but the point that's being made is that the fear of the Lord, and here you go all the way back to the beginning of Proverbs, because the fear of the Lord is said to be the beginning of wisdom. In other words, having a healthy reverence and respect for the Lord is the key ingredient in forming character. And what Proverbs 31 is saying, is if you want to know what makes a great woman, it's not her beauty, it's not her charm, but it's a woman who fears the Lord. Because a woman who fears the Lord will live out kind of the things that we see here.  

So, you may say, okay, so you've walked us through kind of this passage. So now let me just talk about a few implications. First, for a person who's single, let me just say this. And that is if you're single, this should have a big impact on who you date and who you're looking to be engaged with, in terms of a significant relationship and maybe marry.  

And it has an implication in at least a couple ways. One is I think I've seen this a lot of times where young people will say I will only date somebody who I deem to be physically attractive and you will right away rule out a whole host of people who have incredible character, incredible personhood, because the person doesn't look a certain way. Now, I'm not suggesting that, that you date somebody who you aren't attracted to. But what I'm saying is sometimes we need to broaden our understanding of what attractive is, and look past the merely physical and open ourselves up to becoming friends with some people who may end up being people who can speak to our souls and can be the kinds of people that we would want to live with for the rest of our lives.  

I saw some research that suggests that the typical infatuation and physical attractiveness, once a relationship is physically consummated, lasts about 18 to 24 months, and here's what that means. If you date and marry based on physical attractiveness, and you get into a relationship saying this person is all that, after about 18 to 24 months you won't necessarily see all of the physical attractiveness anymore. Because the way that they interact with you in a personal way, in terms of their heart, will matter more to you than the way that they look. Now, again, I'm not suggesting that looks aren't important or that attraction isn't important. Of course, it is. And it will naturally be important to you. What I'm suggesting is that if you're single, you don't make it the ultimate thing. Instead, you look past that, because your true attraction to people over time will be their character, not their looks, and cute doesn't get up in the middle of the night to deal with the screaming toddler. It doesn't. It doesn't get up at the crack of dawn to make everything work in a family and that's true for both men and women.  

Now, here's the second thing. And that is if you're a woman, a mom, a mother, a wife, Proverbs 31 calls you to something that is pretty high. In fact, I would guess even as I read through that passage some of you started feeling pretty exhausted, saying, you know what I don't measure up. And in fact, if this quarantine has done anything, it may have exasperated that, where you said I had all these ideas of things I would do, and ways I would be present. But what I found myself doing is just simply wanting to retreat to Netflix and have some time to myself, and I haven't actually done or lived the way that I hoped I would. And part of what I think we need to understand is that all of the ideals that the Bible paints, are ideals to help us realize our need for a savior. And so even in Proverbs 31 when you read through this, it isn't saying do all of this or you fail. It's saying this is the ideal and you can reach for it. But what's behind it is not this, you must be this as much as Jesus, the one who was able to give himself away for others, did that for you. And if you rest in that, if you let that be your hope, your identity, then you'll be able to give yourself away. 

 Philippians 2 says this, "Have the same mind as Christ Jesus." But he didn't think that equality with God was something to be grasped, but he gave himself away. What that's just alluding to is this idea of saying that all of us, men, and women, are called to give our lives away. By the way, this is a calling for men in marriage as well. Men are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church who gave himself for her. The calling in Christian marriage is for both people, the man and the woman to give themselves away, not to say I'm going to be untamed, I'm going to live my life, however, but I'm going to give my life away. And that the ideal is that as both partners say I want to give all of myself to who you are, to your satisfaction, to your thriving, to your pleasure, to your good ends, that's when a marriage thrives. But the only way that really happens is by understanding that God has done that for us through Jesus Christ. And because of that, then I can live this out as a model of what God has done for us. In fact, that's exactly what Ephesians 5 says that marriage is a mystery, that it represents something bigger than it represents Christ in the church. And so, every time we give ourselves away, what we're doing is we are exemplifying a little bit of who Jesus is.  

Now you may say, well, that doesn't help me feel any less exhausted. There's certainly a place for self-care. And so much of what we do is 1000 choices. Every year that we make about how we give our lives away. And the issue here isn't about comparing ourselves to what other people are doing in this age of Instagram and Facebook and different social media platforms. We can get into an idea where we say well look at what she did on Pinterest. I didn't do what she did. I'm not as worthy a woman or mom as she is. I think we just need to set aside comparisons and say my call is to run my own race and to give myself away the best that I can with appropriate self-care.  

I was out running the other day and I had gotten up early. I was on a trail. I pulled into the parking lot. I was the only car there and I was the only person on the trail. I was running. I was feeling really good about myself like I'm out here working, working myself out when nobody else is up. And all of a sudden, this young guy comes running up past me, flying. And he all of a sudden stopped and said hey Kurt! And it was Josiah Leuenberger who works on our staff here as our Director of Young Adult Ministries. Josiah is a good runner, a much better, faster runner than I am. And then he took off and kept going and I had that moment at first where I was like, man, I am so slow. And then it was like, you know what? It's great that Josiah is faster. Because my role is to run my own race, not to try to keep up with somebody who runs marathons. My goal is to say, what is good for me.  

Now, what that means is if you're a mom, a mother, a wife, that your goal isn't to have some idealized standard it's to say, how do I give my life away for those that God has called me to be in relationship with. That's what Proverbs 31 is talking about. And then for those of you who have moms, or wives, notice what happens here. It says that her children rise up and call her blessed, and her husband also, and he praises her. And the word here for praises is the word halal. That's the word that's used for praising God, often. And what that means is that if you have been blessed with somebody in your life as a mom or as a wife, who gives herself away for your betterment on a consistent basis, somebody who has noble character, that there is a gift that has been given to you, that is bigger than you might even realize. In fact, if you've been blessed with somebody like this, you may take it for granted because you don't have anything to compare it to. And I think one of the applications here of Proverbs is to say, use this reminder to praise and be thankful for and appreciate and not be somebody who feels entitled or takes for granted the gift that you have been given. This may just be a simple phone call to your Mom, today, with heartfelt words, it may be an extended hug with your mom, or a thank you or a way of just saying, you really are a gift. And if God has given you that gift, thank God for it too, because that's God's goodness in your life.  

I want to end today just by saying a prayer of blessing over the moms and the wives that are participating today. And so, would you just join me in prayer? Father, we thank you for the gift that you have given so many in a mom and a wife. And Father we pray today as we celebrate Mother's Day in a way we didn't expect to celebrate it,  that you would move those of us who have moms to being just grateful if they've been somebody who's been worthy of that, and that we'd express that well. God for those who haven't had great moms, who this is a painful thing, or maybe they've lost moms recently, God, we pray just that your grace and care would be present. And Father, for those who are wives and mom's, Father, I pray that just rather than them being overwhelmed by this, there would just be a portrait of hope of saying, as I give myself away, that I can find joy in doing what Jesus has done in a microcosm in a little way, in my family. And God for those who are single and thinking about maybe one day being married men or women, God, I pray that there would be a stripping away of just all the cultural baggage that so easily can define relationships, and a search for somebody who really fears you above all. We pray all of this in Jesus name, Amen.