Message Description

Dr. Kurt Bjorklund goes through the passages on lust and divorce in Matthew 5:27-32, the three views of sexuality that are prevalent in culture, ways we indulge the temptations in our life, and what the Bible says about what is best for our sexual relationships.

Message Transcript

Hey, welcome to Orchard Hill! It's great to be together in our different locations and with those of you online. I just want to mention, with more and more people choosing to reengage in in-person worship these days, there are a couple things that are important for all of us to ensure the best experience possible for you and for your fellow worshipers. And that is, please continue to register. We've had a few services where some people came who didn't register, which is better than not coming. But what that meant is, we ended up with groups that were larger, and we had to have some people in the lobby and things like that. So, if you register, it'll help everyone social distance which is good.  

And while I'm talking about that, at our Wexford campus we have some good opportunities at the 10:30 am service in the chapel. And the chapel right now, you may say, well, isn't that the liturgical service? We've changed that during this time where it's a lot of the same music, and it's slightly more acoustic. And then there's communion every week. The only other difference in the chapel right now is that it's a mask expected service. If you're just coming back and say, I want to make sure that the masks are universal, that's a great option. The other services, we encourage the mask, but some people may take them off once they're socially distanced in the space. But if you're coming back, please register, great opportunity at 10:30 & 11:15 am. Butler has great opportunities. I know it's going to be outside this week and next week, and then the Strip District at 9:00 & 11:00 am as well.  

So, let's take a moment and pray together and we'll jump into what we're talking about today. Father, we think thank you for a chance just to gather. And God as we pray almost every week, as we begin, would you speak to us? Wherever we are and whatever we're going through. Lord, would you let my words reflect your word, in content, tone, and in emphasis. We pray this in Jesus name, amen. 

So, we've been in this series that we've called Upside Down Living. And what we've been doing is looking at Jesus's most famous teaching - his teaching in what's called the Sermon on the Mount. You find it in Matthew five through seven, Luke six, and we've been looking at the Matthew five through seven version. And the reason we've called this Upside Down Living is because so often what Jesus does is he takes something that we think we kind of know, or our culture has a view on, or the culture then had a view on, and he turns it upside down. And he does it in a way that we go, wow, that's opposite of maybe how I might naturally go about it.  

And today we're going to look at an issue that is truly upside down from culture, the way that God expresses it. We're going to talk about the issue of sexuality and commitment inside of our sexual relationships. And therefore, this is going to be a somewhat sensitive subject in terms of that. But here's what I want you to get right from the very beginning, and that is that the Bible presents a way in which our sexuality will be better than if we simply go about doing it the way that we prefer. And so, this is what Danny Akin says in his book, God on Sex. And he quotes some surveys and things. He says, "It's not surprising that a University of Chicago study reports that those doing it God's way report the most satisfaction with their sex lives. When University of Chicago researchers set out to discover which religious denominations had the best sex, they learn the faithful don't do all their shouting in church. Conservative Protestant women report by far the highest satisfaction, mainline Protestants, and Catholics lag five points behind. Those with no religious affiliations, we're more than 33% behind. Unitarians may wish to read no further. Sexually active singles had the most sexual problems and get the least pleasure out of sex. Men with the most liberal attitude towards sex are 75% more likely to fail to satisfy their partners. The most sexually satisfied demographic group of them all were married couples between the ages of 50 and 59." So, good news for those of you heading into your 50s or are in your 50s, and for those of you who are younger, that the best way to approach sex according to this survey, is to find yourself somebody who's an evangelical Christian, get married, and stay married until you're 50, and then the beauty days are coming." At least that's what he says.  

Now, I don't know if all those stats are entirely true, but here's what he's saying that research shows, and that is people who live in committed relationships actually have more satisfying sexual relationships than those who don't. And that ultimately is a very simple summary of God's approach to sex. Now, you may ask the question, Well, why is this better? Why does this work this way? Well, if we go back to the very beginning in Genesis chapter two, verse twenty-four, we're told that for this reason a man and a woman should leave their father and mother and come together. The two should be united. And the picture here is of a covenanted relationship between a man and a woman where they say I am going to make my whole life a commitment to you.  

And here's what our modern world does with sexuality. And that is it treats it so often like it's a commodity, like we're in a relationship with a vendor rather than we're in a covenant where we've made a commitment to somebody and we say this is how I'm going to live my life. And what a covenant relationship ultimately is, is it's a relationship that's public, that's permanent, that's exclusive, and that it's legal, where we're saying for all the rest of my life, I am committed to you and to you entirely. And the difference between that and the commodity approach or the vendor approach is so stark because you know how this works with a vendor. You probably do this with maybe your internet service or your phone service, and that is you have a vendor and you're committed to the vendor until a better one comes along. In other words, if somebody says, I'll give you a better deal, more data, less money, less charges for what you're getting for your phone service, you'll say, you know what, I'll drop the vendor and I'll move over to the next vendor. That's how I'll live. And when sex is approached that way, rather than in the context of a covenant, what ends up happening is we end up even though we think that we're living kind of in a free way, we're actually losing out somewhat on what the benefits are of having a relationship that's rooted in a covenant.  

This isn't, by the way, a unique idea just to the Bible, although it certainly finds its roots there. In a movie called Vanilla Sky, it was out several years ago, Cameron Diaz plays the role of a woman who was looking for something. And in it she said this to a man at one point, "Don't you know that when you sleep with somebody, your body makes a promise, whether you do or not." And what she was saying is something that we know is true at the core of our being. And that is sex isn't just a commodity where we say, I'm looking for the best vendor today. But it's something that that we longed to experience in the depth of a significant commitment. And here's what happens when you make a covenant. And that is ultimately you can be yourself entirely because you're no longer insecure about how you are living, looking, how you are satisfying somebody. But instead, you're in a place where you're saying, I can be secure because I can just be myself. And it means that you can live without being driven by your feelings because now you've made a commitment that says, whatever happens, I'm in this, and then it allows for really the greatest chance for intimacy. And this is really, again the Christian biblical vision for what sexuality is.  

Now, in our culture. I would say that there's generally three views of sexuality. The first I'm just going to say is that it's kind of seen as dirty and dangerous. And this is the view that sometimes parents will try to impose on kids, especially, maybe even in Christian cultures, the purity culture, and this is the whole true love waits kind of approach. And I'm not against true love waits, but sometimes the unintended message is be very careful with sex because if you have sex with anybody, it'll be emotionally damaging, you'll get herpes, it'll be really bad, and then you'll never be satisfied the rest of your life. And the problem with that is not that true love doesn't wait, but when that is the whole message, what happens is you get a generation of students, kids, people who grow up and they say sex is dirty, and it's dangerous, and that isn't the biblical view at all.  

On another end of the spectrum is probably kind of our culture's predominant view which beyond just kind of being this idea that it's a commodity, talking now about internal view, and that is sex is an appetite. In other words, it's something that I have a need for, and I need to find ways to satisfy it because if I don't, I'll be unsatisfied. And I can't live a happy and fulfilling life without this being something that allows me to be satisfied.  

And then the third view, which I would say is, the view of the Bible, ultimately, is that it's a gift from God. That when God was creating the universe, he made rainbows, beautiful animals, creatures, and mountain landscapes, and then he was like, I got this idea too, angels come take a look at this. This is a cool idea. That is how God created this. But here's the problem if our view becomes sex is an appetite, or sex is dirty and dangerous, what happens is we miss the gift. And I'm not going to take a lot of time today to deal with the dirty and dangerous view. But what I'm going to deal with is this idea that it's an appetite. And that it's something that I have to indulge. Because when we indulge it, it doesn't mean that we'll do everything we ever want to do. But it means that it's driving my life and my decisions, and I have to find a way to satisfy my sexual appetite. That's what it means to be indulged.  

And in our modern world. I believe that there are two ways that we indulge this that Jesus addresses 2,000 years ago in this Sermon on the Mount. And he gives an incisive assessment of that viewpoint, and then ultimately, points us to a better way. Here's the first one way in which we can indulge sex as an appetite. And that is whenever we look at our lives and we say I have to upgrade my partner. And what I mean when I say this is what we're doing, and this is really in verses twenty-seven, thirty-one, and thirty-two, this is when we look at our lives, and we say, I need somebody who will satisfy me. And if the person I'm with now isn't that person, then I need to find a new person.  

And this shows up, by the way, in pre marriage, where sometimes what people will do is, they'll say, well, I have to try somebody out for a while and make sure that they're sufficient. And then if they're not, I trade up, and I keep trading up until I find the one who's going to be my ultimate person. But I'm just trying out a group of people to make sure that I get the right one. And I've even heard this kind of wisdom sometimes from people that says, well, maybe you should live together for a while. Maybe you should try a few people out to make sure. And again, what the Bible says is, if you do that, what you're doing is you're basically saying, I'm pretending, I'm playing at this whole thing, and I'm really treating sex as a commodity, not as a covenant once I do that. And what we're doing is we're actually setting ourselves up for more dissatisfaction than we realize. Because the statistics are in and they all are very clear that the people who live together before marriage have a smaller chance, statistically, of having a lasting and satisfying marriage than those who don't live together before marriage.  

Now, some people may look at this and they say, yeah, but my spouse has been a big mistake. You know, the person I married, they're not great. And here's Jesus very clear words. He says this, verse twenty-seven, you've heard it said, you shall not commit adultery, and then he goes on and talks about lust. We'll come back to that. And then he says this verse thirty-one, "It's been said anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."  

Now, here's Jesus, saying, I know that in the Old Testament times that there was this idea, there were two different schools of thought, one was very conservative on it, and one was more liberal, but he says, what you have here is that people would give the certificate of divorce and people could give a certificate of divorce for almost anything. And what Jesus says is, you've heard this, this is what you've practiced, but I want to tell you, there's only one reason and this is what is said here to be sexual immorality in the NIV and first Corinthians seven might give us a second reason that we could talk about divorce, but Jesus right here is just simply saying that there's one reason and it's this Greek word porneia. And what the word connotes is sexually deviant behavior in any kind of persistent manner. And some of us may say, well, okay, my spouse didn't really do that, but I married the wrong person. I married somebody who isn't somebody who I would choose again.  

This is what C.S. Lewis once said, he said, "People get from books the idea that if you marry the right person, you will go on being in love forever. As a result, when they find out that they are not they think that this proves that they made a mistake and they're entitled to a change. Let the thrills go. Go through that period of death to your lust into a quiet interest and happiness that follow. And you will find that you are living in a world with new thrills all the time." You see what a lot of us do when it comes to this as we say, even if I'm married, I still always have a chance to upgrade to somebody else or to somebody better. But here's the problem with this ultimately. And that is upgrading a spouse is a little bit like getting a new car. Here's what I mean when I say that. When you get a new car, there is a moment, when you get rid of your old car and you get a new car near like, this is awesome. This new car is spectacular. It's better than my old car. I'm so glad that I got rid of the old car, I got the new car, but you know what happens to every new car? It becomes an old car. At some point, your shiny new car becomes an old car with all the problems of your last old car. Now obviously a car, you know, you got to trade up sometimes. So, I realize that there's a breakdown in this analogy. But my point is this and that is the thrill of the new car sooner or later gives way to the reality that the new car becomes an old car. And what Jesus is doing here is he's saying that there's something in a covenant of staying engaged in a marriage that is actually better than simply saying I'm going to trade up whenever I get the opportunity.  

Now you may ask the question, okay, if Jesus exception here is sexually deviant behavior, and you mentioned first Corinthians seven, then when is it okay to step out of a marriage? And that's not the easiest question. Certainly, Jesus here in talking about pornea, or this idea of sexual immorality, is saying something more than adultery. And the reason I say that is because right here in the passage, there is the word adultery used. You can see it right in your English translation, where it says this, "You've heard it said or it's been said, anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her a victim of adultery." There's the word if Jesus had wanted to say adultery, he could have the words right here, but he chose this other word. I think this is a more expansive word. And I believe that sexually deviant behavior includes not just the act of physical adultery, but also some kinds of mental soaking in of sexual imageries. And it can also include probably some other deviant behaviors along the way. Now, first Corinthians seven talks about this idea of desertion when somebody leaves or when somebody doesn't want to be a spouse. And what the Bible and what Jesus is driving at here, is don't be too quick to divorce. Certainly, there are times when there's abuse or some other significant deviant behaviors where getting legally out of a marriage are the right thing. But Jesus wisdom here is really to say or his command is to say, don't just be always saying I can upgrade. But understand that there's a lid on this.  

Here's the second thing that happens. And that is Jesus, I think, shows that we can indulge our sexuality not just by wanting to upgrade our spouse, but also by embracing fantasy. And this is what he says in verses twenty-seven through thirty. It says this, "You've heard it said, you shall not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." And what the rabbi's would teach in those days, was often that if you live in such a way that you don't technically do the wrong, then you can look at or fantasize as much as you want to, and it's okay.  

And in our modern world, this is generally seen as a victimless crime, if it's even a crime. A victimless offense. In other words, there is no victim if you look at porn, if you imagine somebody, if you read a fantasy novel and it brings some sexual images to mind, but you don't actually touch anybody, it's a victimless thing. But first Corinthians chapter six verse eighteen talks about sexual sin and it says, "All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body." But a sexual sin is actually something within us. And here's what I believe that's saying, and that is the victim of this is you if you indulge and embrace fantasy. It may not be that there's other people, I mean, there are victims certainly in pornography, but ultimately you are the victim because what happens is your eyes lead to your actions. That's even part of what you see here. He goes on to say, "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out, throw it away. It's better for you to lose one part of your body than your whole body. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off, throw it away. It's better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." And part of what he's driving at is that your eye can often lead to something else.  

Now I don't think I need to spend a lot of time going over the statistics around pornography but let me just give you a few of them. According to different sources, nine out of ten men masturbate on a somewhat regular basis. 30 to 40% of men are addicted to porn. And one-third of all internet traffic is due to pornography today. And I'll just say this, and that is, this world today is largely different than the world I grew up in because of the internet. Because now pornography is completely accessible. It's affordable, and it's anonymous. When I was a kid, if I wanted to get porn, you had to actually like walk into a store and do the walk of shame of, you know, walking around with a magazine, going up and handing it to somebody. Now, you've got the stuff on your phone, and you can just click, click, click, and that is driving this industry in many ways.  

But here's the real issue. And that is whenever we embrace fantasy and lust, it ultimately leads to selfishness and addiction. Selfishness because what we're doing is we're getting our needs met on our terms, our way, instead of with a real person, and what we're doing is we're saying, I don't need a person, I can fantasize, I can think about, I can act on this however I want to for me, right here and now. And then when we have to interact with the real person, we find that they don't always want to interact on our terms. It leads to addiction because whatever we find never satisfies. I've sat with couples before, where the husband makes requests that get more and more outlandish. And the wife will say, why isn't it enough just to sleep together? And what's been behind some of this is there was an ever-increasing desire to say I need something more. I need better. I need this. And Jesus, I think, is driving here at something where he's saying the you've heard it said, don't commit adultery, but I want you to know that your mind is also a significant place where this matters.  

Now let me just say this, and that is if you're here and you are hearing this, there's a temptation sometimes to say, well, I wouldn't if my spouse did. But don't blame your spouse. This is ultimately an issue between you and God. This isn't about what your spouse does or doesn't do. It doesn't mean that you can't help out your spouse. Because your husband, your wife, if you're married, is the person who has said that you're the only person that will be the object of my sexuality for the rest of my life, meaning that you are the only righteous expression of their sexuality. And so, you can help them out. But don't ever blame your spouse for being a person who isn't enough engaged in this area with you. This is your issue, ultimately. And if you're single, I just want you to know that sexual purity will not get easier just because you're married. You may think once I get married, that'll solve all my problems. But if you're dealing with fantasy, with lust, with pornography today, you'll be dealing with it when you're married because marriage is not a silver bullet that makes it all go away. What happens instead is you find that you need more and more and more.  

So, Jesus here is just speaking very pointedly, but there's something that's behind this that I want to point out. And this is from a book by Tim Chester called Closing the Window, and it's a book explicitly written about pornography. Great book by the way, one I'd recommend, even if pornography isn't the issue, it's great on understanding sexuality, understanding fantasy, and lust. Here's what Tim Chester writes at one point. This is after he's gone through and talked about all the things that lust and fantasy basically promised in our lives. He says, "The false promises of porn, he says porn," I'm going to use it for lust and fantasy, "are the sin behind the sin of lust or fantasy. But there's one more layer to unravel. There's something that lurks even behind the lies of fantasy. Underlying all the fall promises is the desire to be worshipped. One of the participants in my research described porn as a worship disorder. One of the common characteristics of fantasy or porn is that women readily express pleasure." Now he's writing explicitly to men here in this exact equation. But again, I think you can take it further.  

It says this, and this is Karl, one of his researches. "I like to see the pleasure and ecstasy on her face as she lets herself go. Even in soft porn, the women look into the camera with come-on eyes. The very act of posing is designed to communicate that she's there for you." But porn is a lie," says Jeff. "It teaches a man that he is desired by the most beautiful women on Earth. At the heart of porn, is self-worship." And I would say at the heart of fantasy, at the heart of lust, at the heart of pornography is self- worship. "Here is a world in which people worship me. I project myself into the stud in the film and imagine women crying out to me in adoration. I'm worshiped for my potency and power." Jack says, "I guess I dream of being some sort of stud that can make all women happy. When you view porn or I would say engage in fantasy, you can move from image to image and each woman is there for you offering herself to you. They all want you and you can choose between them. Not only are you adored but you have sovereign power." "Porn gives me power acknowledges Tyrone. I can choose the body of my sexual partner, I can find porn in which they will do anything I can think of, and it's really worshiping myself in trying to convince myself that I'm powerful and irresistible." Another user said this," I use porn because my spouse doesn't have rampant desire to fill my needs."  

Tim Chester continues, "Why isn't it enough for our spouse to be willing to have sex with us? That would be enough to celebrate and reinforce our love. But no, that is not enough. She must have a rampant desire. Why? Because what I longed for is to be worshipped. I want my sexual partner to simper before me, overcome with desire, under my sexual power, but I'm not a sex God. And my wife just wants ordinary sex. In fact, she may just want to cuddle. But that's not enough. I demand to be worshipped. So, I turn instead to porn because in every porn, every woman I see, worships me." And then he says this, "Porn promises big time, but it fails to deliver every time. It promises intimacy, comfort, and relief. But it delivers loneliness, pain, guilt. I suppose I worship myself. It's getting what I want, when I want, how I want it because I'm in control. So, I turned to fantasy or porn instead of God because it means I remain proud, and I can remain in control, and I never have to humble myself." 

Now, the reason I read this is because to me, this is the core of what's going on here. We tend to want to reduce things to like don't do this, you know, it's not healthy for you. But in the Bible, the reason that Jesus I think drives at this ultimately, isn't simply because it's destructive to relationships, although it is, but because at the core of fantasy is this self-worship. And so what I believe Jesus is doing, is he's saying, I want you to worship me and learn to enjoy somebody in a covenantal relationship, where it's healthy, rather than trying to get from these things that ultimate adulation.  

Now obviously, the way that this text is written, anyone who looks on a woman to lust after her speaking about fantasy in general, it's meant to expose the need for a savior. Because what is happening here is Jesus is raising the bar and saying it's not enough just to stay in a marriage. It's not enough just to be committed. But ultimately, the place that we need to get to saying is, I'm not just committed to staying or saying I'll never leave you, but I'll never cheat on you, even in my mind. And to be fair, those things probably happen to most people at some time or another. And it points to the need for a savior.  

But here's what's important. You see, sometimes people will say that it's cheap grace to say God forgives, and we all will fall, actually I think it's cheap law. Because cheap law says I'm reducing the standard so that you can meet it. The standard here is absolute perfection, never thinking about anybody in a sexual way, or in a fantasy way that is in any way taking away from a covenantal relationship. You see, that's an incredibly high standard. And Jesus is saying, ultimately, you need a savior. But here's the thing, saying we need a savior doesn't mean that we don't continue to say, but Jesus law is actually good for us, and what he's asking of us, or commanding us, is actually in our best interest. Meaning that we can acknowledge that we haven't kept the law, while at the same time saying keeping the law, striving to understand and apply it to my life, is actually healthy for me, and the best thing for me. And what that will do if I get there, if you get there, is we will come to a point where we'll say I understand that I haven't kept this perfectly and I may not in the future, but it doesn't mean that it isn't best and that I won't continue to try.  

It's a little bit like being a baseball player. Baseball players are considered incredibly successful when they fail seven out of ten times. If you hit 300 in baseball, you're considered you're going to make millions of dollars. And here's the reality, even though they know they're going to fail, they still go up to bat and say time after time, I'm going to strive to do my best. Now sometimes maybe in the middle of August, they, you know, just say, ah, who cares about this at bat, but you get the analogy.  

So, what is the point for you and me today? And that is God's way ultimately is better to say I'm going to seek purity in my relationships and in my mind, rather than simply indulging my desire to upgrade my spouse or embrace fantasy in my life. Now, I know there may be some of us here saying, well, if Jesus says that if I think it means I've done it, since I've thought it, I might as well go ahead and do it, because that way at least I'll get the enjoyment out of the act, if it's there. But that misses what Jesus is doing here because Jesus is basically saying, I created this. I'm the one who gifted it to you. There's a better way than indulging yourself and it's experiencing this in the depth of Covenant. In fact, Jesus is so serious here that he says this, and I read this earlier, "If your right eye causes you to stumble gouge it out. If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off." And what he's doing is he's saying I want you not so much to cut off your hand or gouge your eye. That's hyperbole, I believe. And in part, I believe it because he didn't use everything he could have used in this analogy, but what he's doing is saying take radical action, your eyes, what you look at, your hands, what you do, your feet, what you're willing to visit. And he's saying utilize everything at your disposal to pursue purity. Because that is where you will find your ultimate satisfaction and the good of God and society will merge. 

Job said this in Job thirty-one. He said, "I made a covenant with my eyes, not to look lustfully at a young woman." Verse seven, he says, "If my steps have turned from the path, if my heart has led my eyes, or if my hands have been defiled." Verse nine, "If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I've lurked at my neighbor's door." And he's basically confessing and here's what I'm driving at. There's a covenant to say I made a commitment to live purely. And then he says, but when I stumbled, I'm confessing it and I'm turning back to God.  

You see, some of us may be here, and we may say, you know, I've really made a mess in this area. There are places I've gone and things I've done that that I wish I hadn't. You can start today saying, God, I'm going to honor you in this area of my life. And it will seem like it's the highest bar, and it'll seem like it's an impossibility. And yet, if you will choose to do that, what God's word seems to indicate is that is where you will find your greatest sense of intimacy, security, and freedom in this most important area. And as a church, Orchard Hill, beyond Orchard Hill, here's what we hope for. And that is that our message to the world about sexuality isn't it's dirty and dangerous, or it's just an appetite that you can indulge, but this is a gift from God to be savored and enjoyed in the right context, that it will bring the greatest good. 

And so, I hope that you will live in an upside down manner in this area of your life. And when you find yourself off track even just a little, that you'll say again, God's way is better, and I'm going to choose that way over and over. And every time that you're off, it reminds you of the beauty and the grace of the gospel. That Jesus died for our sins. That we can have eternal life, even though we don't keep his law perfectly. And that gives us a reason to say Jesus really does want my best. And I know it.  

Let's take a moment and pray together. I want to pray for several different groups of us who might be gathered here today. So, if you just bow your heads, close your eyes, online, Strip District, Butler County, Wexford, wherever you are. Father, we come to you and confess that so often, we've adopted a cultural narrative that says that my sex is one of the most important things. My sexual identity is one of the most important things about me. God, I pray that you would help us to see that you have created sex for our good and that when we honor what you have laid out for us, that it really is for our best. Father, I pray for those of us who maybe today have had a blinder taken from our eyes and we've seen that we haven't kept your law, that you would work in our hearts even in this moment just to acknowledge our need for a savior and to invite you to be our Savior. And Father for those who are in difficult marriages, I pray for clarity, what your Word says. Whether or not the marriage fits into these exemptions or if they just need to say I need to re-up. Father, I pray for those who maybe are in the grips of wanting to upgrade their partner or embracing fantasy, that you would hold out a light of hope and say there's a better way, and that they would reach for it even now. Father, we pray all of this in Jesus name, amen.