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Dr. Kurt Bjorklund opens the new series Turning House Into Homes speaking about principles for a deeply-rooted Biblically centered family.

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This morning, we are beginning a new series on Turning Houses into Homes, and we're doing that in Wexford, Butler, Strip District, and Chapel. And part of this is, every May here at Orchard Hill, we have baptisms, Mother's Day, and First Communion. So, it's a natural time to talk about families. We don't do a series on families every year, but this year we thought it would be a good time to do this. And here's one of the things you've noticed if you live around here. Butler, Strip, Wexford - what you see is people are building homes. You see new homes, new construction, all over the place. And if you've been in the market to buy a home, you know that right now, the market's kind of in what they call a hot zone, where you actually have to make an aggressive offer to get a thing. It's a great time to sell. 

And this has also been a time where a lot of people who have a home have said, we're going to do some house projects. We've been maybe isolated or quarantined for an extended period of time. Let's do that project that we've been thinking about for a long time. And so, this has been a time with a lot of home construction, real estate, kind of dreaming and projects. And here's what I think happens to a lot of people. They enjoy a project with real estate because it's tangible, you can see it, and it carries with it a little bit of a promise that says, if we invest in this patio, if we make our kitchen spectacular, if our living room is really nice, if our backyard just sings, then we're going to have all these great moments together in these places. 

I mean, you don't actually like go to Home Depot and you're not thinking that. You're just thinking, why did I start this project? But somewhere, there's this mindset that if we have a beautiful home, then we'll have a real home. In other words, if our house is nice, then our home will be great. But the report card is in on homes and you know that having a great house doesn't mean having a great home. According to some statistics, about 39% of all marriages today end in divorce. That's actually down from a few years ago when it used to be closer to 50%. And the reason most people think that the number is down is not that we've actually gotten better at marriage, but that fewer people are getting married. People are waiting longer to get married and fewer people are actually getting married. They're just saying, you know what? Marriage didn't work for me before. So why get married? 

About 40% of babies that are being born are being born to a single parent, and 54% of all kids will at one point in their growing up years, live in a single parent home. And that says nothing about the homes that have two parents and are unhappy, dysfunctional, and messy. And so, the report card is in, we may spend lot of time on houses, but our homes aren't necessarily thriving. And every time I start a series on family, I have a moment that I hesitate, and I hesitate for this reason. I know that there are many of you who attend Orchard Hill, who are single and what you do when I say it's a family series is you're like, maybe I'll peace out for three or four weeks. And I understand that because you're saying this doesn't have anything to do with me. 

But I would say to you, there's no better time to establish how you think you want to do family and home than when you're single. Because when you're in a relationship, it'll actually be harder to make sane decisions than it is when you're single. And you can kind of say, you know what? This is what I think would be best. 

The other thing is, that I hesitate, the other reason is, is I know that there are people right now who are here, who are saying I'm in a painful situation. My family right now is not what I want it to be. And so, you're living in a situation where maybe there's an estrangement or maybe you've gone through something that's difficult. And you're just kind of saying, I don't know that I want to participate in any kind of series for a while. And certainly, we have in the past here taught some of the things that the Bible says about families, and the Bible has some clear instructions about husbands and wives, and about parents and children. And we've done series on those. You can find that teaching online if that's something that you want to do. But today we're going to begin by looking at Colossians chapter two, verses six and seven. That's not actually written to a family. It's written to all people about their relationship with God, but I believe that it also can speak very pointedly to the kind of homes that many of us ultimately want. 

And let me just start by saying this. And that is the family is God's idea. It comes from Genesis chapter two, the very beginning of the Bible where we're told that it isn't good for a man, presumably for a woman either, to live alone. And therefore, God created woman and man together so that they would not have to be alone. And then we're told at the end of Genesis two, that for this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. And the two become one flesh. And this is what people dream about. This one flesh, this is what your love songs are about, your romantic movies are about, it's about two people joining their lives together and saying, it's you and me against the world for all time. And that's God's idea. And it's also for the good of society that we form family units. 

Now there's a movement. And I think it's a good idea to de-stigmatize people who don't live in traditional families. It used to be that if you didn't have two parents, you were single, had a child born to you single, and there was a sense in which maybe you weren't quite enough. And so, I say, there's a good movement in our society to say let's, de-stigmatize that, but there's a negative to that. And the negative is that in trying to not make people feel less than, what we've done is we've taken any sense of ideal and said, there is no ideal. There's nothing that is absolutely ideal when it comes to family. And so, what I hope to do is just show you a little bit of what the ideal is, and maybe how that can be at least part of your life. 

Now, I mentioned that Colossians two verses six and seven does not directly address family, that the text says, "As you've received, or therefore as you've received Christ Jesus, so live your life in him." That's verse six, and the "As you've received Christ Jesus," could also be translated from the Greek “since.” And I actually think that's a better choice of words here. And the reason is sometimes when you hear, as you've received Christ Jesus, now do this. What we think is that receiving Jesus means you must do this, but I like “since,” because it's a better sense of what the message of Christianity is, which is Jesus Christ has done for you, done for me, and what I can never do. So, we receive God's grace through Jesus Christ, acknowledging that we don't live a perfect life. And then since we've received this, he says, now orient your life this way, walk, some old translations say, this way. And what they're saying is, since God is so good that he has given you an eternal life, regardless of what you've done or not done, wouldn't you want to orient your whole life around what he says? 

That's what this is saying. And then there are four participles in verse seven that tell us how we can orient our lives, how we can walk in Jesus Christ. We're told that we do it by being rooted, by being built up, by being strengthened and by overflowing with gratitude. And each of those participles, I think makes up a section of what we can do, not only to walk with Christ, but to establish not just a house, but a home. And so, what we'll do over the next couple of weeks is we'll look at each of these participles. And let me just say this. You may find yourself in a home situation where you feel like you're the only person who cares about its future. 

Well, according to First Peter, three, you can do a lot by yourself. First Peter three basically says that if a wife finds herself in a home where her husband doesn't care about anything spiritual, that she can help save her husband through her godly demeanor. And that I think applies both ways. What that saying is, is you don't have to have somebody else who's always ready or willing to match you step for step. But clearly the more people in a home who are on the same page about saying, this is what we want, the stronger or better that home will be. It'll be better when people are together in that. And so, with that, here's what I would like to do is just start by talking about this idea of being rooted. And here's what it means to be rooted. 

A root system starts small. And as it goes deeper and broader, what happens is the tree that is attached to that gets harder to uproot. But roots don't get formed all at once. In other words, we don't just simply go, oh, I'm going to root my tree and then I'm done. You plant a tree, you water a tree, the tree sits in the sun and year after year, what happens is just a little bit at a time, those roots go deeper and farther out, and they become stronger. And so, the text here is saying that the way that you can be rooted in Christ is by in a sense, making hundreds, thousands of little choices, day after day, week after week, month after month, that puts you into a place where you are aligning yourself with how God wants you to live. That's what it means in a broader sense. And so, what does that mean for a family? 

Well, it means that as you make hundreds, thousands of little choices, you can establish something that's firmer and here's how you root yourself spiritually, not necessarily in a family. And that is by acknowledging that God's way is best, by saying God's way will be my way, and then arranging your life around that so that you make those hundreds of thousands of choices. And so, you're acting accordingly. You're saying God's way is really best. God's way is my way. And I'm going to act accordingly in life. And when you do that in your family, what happens is you start to move from just a house to a home, but here's the problem. 

And that is, you can say that, but there are narratives, we could even call them lies that come from our culture that are opposed to this idea that God has a way that's best. And as a result, we're tempted to say, well, maybe this way is better. Maybe that way is better, instead of the way that I read in the Bible. Let me give you an example. When I was growing up, I had an older sister, and my sister and I would sometimes spar as kids will do. And we used to sometimes play in this little closet that was under the stairs in our house, and it had a door. And there was one day, I don't think my parents were home, we were in there and we were playing around, and I said something that irritated her, and she was going to punch me. And so, I ran out of the door. I turned around before she could get out and I closed the door, and I stuck my foot on the outside of the door. 

And she came and tried to open the door. She couldn't open it because my foot was there. I was like, sorry, you're stuck. Except then I quickly realized that I was stuck too, because if I took my foot off the door, she'd come out and she would lay waste to me. I had this moment where it's like, well, what do I do? And so, I lied. I said, hey, I grabbed this chair and I put it under the knob. You're not going to be able to get out. And she tried again, and she couldn't get out because my foot was still there. And then I took my foot back and she never tried again until my mom and dad got home. 

And the reason I tell you this is the power of the lie was such that she could not see the truth anymore. And what happens when it comes to our ideas about what's good and right, is when we're so immersed in our culture and the cultural lies that are told to us, we can't even see anymore what is true and what is right from the God of the universe, the creator, who is his idea to give us family. In fact, in the Old Testament, there's a place where we see this idea of lies and the same idea of being rooted come together. This is in Psalm one, very similar to Colossians two. Here's what it says. "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked, nor stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers. But whose delight is in the law of the Lord, who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever they do prospers." 

So, what the psalmist says is this. He says if you want to know how to be successful, how to have good things in your life, be like a tree that's planted by waters. And you do that by meditating on God's word over and over again. To meditate on God's word means to say, God has a way that's best. It's going to be my way. And I'm going to act accordingly in a sense. What that shows us is that that is how you can be rooted and planted deeply in this world. But notice what verse one says. "Blessed is the person" who what? Doesn't walk in the way of the wicked, stand in the path of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers. Now a couple of things about this. When we hear the word wicked, we think it means somebody is as bad as they could be. Wicked in the book of Psalms generally just means somebody who doesn't give credence to God. 

So, to walk with the wicked, just simply meant that that your life was being lived among people who didn't care about the things of God. To stand with sinners was a little more settled because when you're standing not walking, what you're doing is you're actually hanging around with people. And to stand with sinners means that what you're doing is you're taking influence from people who are actively sat against the things of God. And to sit with mockers means that now you're comfortable with people who... And a mocker in the book of Proverbs and Psalms, basically is somebody who makes fun of the things that are sacred and important. And so, there's a progression. First, you kind of just get comfortable with people who see the world, not from the biblical perspective. Then you start to associate with and say, these are my people. And then you sit with the people who mock the things that are sacred. In other words, you take the lies of culture to heart. 

Now, let me push just a little bit and give you some of the lies of our culture. And I'm not going to take the time to develop verses and everything for each of these. These are kind of off the top of my head from the other day. And so, you can kind of enter into this, however you see most appropriate, but here's one. And that is in our culture, and when I say our culture, what I'm talking about is the things that you watch, the things that you stream, the things that you've listened to, these are the predominant views, and they're counter to what the Bible says about family. Here's the first. And that is any grouping will do. 

In other words, you live with a group of people. That's your family now. And so, everybody can have a family and your family are your friends and your friends are your family. I mean, we have a new term now, Friendsgiving. So, get with your friends, you have a Friendsgiving, because that's the one that really counts. And then you got to go with your obligatory family on Thursday, kind of a thing. And the idea in our culture is, hey, whoever you're with, that's a family. But in the Bible, the way that God instituted family was a man and a woman making a lifelong commitment and saying, we will live together in a covenant relationship. And if you bless us with kids, that will be our family. That's the biblical definition of family. And the reason that this matters is because dads’ matter in families, and moms’ matter in families. 

So, if we just simply say any grouping will do, we're taking part of the design of the family out of it. Now, again, I'm not saying if you find yourself in a situation where you don't have dads, don't have moms, don't have situations that are the same, that God can't do something beautiful in that. But what I'm saying is there is an ideal and the ideal is given to us in the Bible. And when we listen to the lies of our culture, we're like my sister behind the door going, well, I guess this is just what it is. And then we assume that everything is about the same. 

Here's the second lie. And that is that we should try it before we buy it. And this is the idea that says, you know what? How will I know what I really want unless I try it fully? And this is where some of the hookup culture comes from. Some of that's just a hookup culture, but some of it is saying, let me try somebody. And if they're good for me, then I'll commit to a relationship for a while, as long as it's good for me. But let me ask you, if you've ever been in a situation where you've hooked up, do you wake up the next morning, feeling more whole, and more at peace? Or do you wake up feeling more lonely and more distraught than you did the day before? I'm not saying it's not fun at night, but I'm saying the next day, when you wake up, are you like, you know what? This was awesome. Or do you go, I feel more alone and emptier than I did before. 

You see our culture says, you just hook up. It's all good. God says, in essence, I made you to become one flesh, not one flesh with 20 different people, but 1 flesh. I made you to be a lifelong commitment with one person. They're different. Some people, the buy it before you try it shows up in the idea of saying, well, let's move in together before we're married. And if we move in together, then we'll know if this is good or not. But the data is in on this. The stats are in. And here's what the stats say. If you move in, cohabitate with somebody before you're married, you're less likely to have a happy marriage or to have a marriage that lasts than you are if you don't. And you say, well how's that? Doesn't it make sense if you'd try it before you buy it, that it would be better. I mean, if I tried a car before I bought it, I might be happier. 

And here's the thing. What you're demonstrating is that you're not actually committed to anything more than your own happiness when you say I'll move in and try it before I buy it. What you're doing is you're saying I'll move in. And as long as this is good for me, good for you, then we'll keep it up. And if it isn't good for you, isn't good for me, then we're done. And marriage is designed to be a commitment that says I'm committed to something more than whether this is good for me or good for you anymore. And that's where your security comes from, and where you can be really vulnerable, really be yourself, and really have the kind of love that you long for. But our culture tells us, try it before you buy it. 

Here's another thing. Our culture will tell us upgrades are normal and good. In other words, if you're in a relationship and your spouse or your significant other isn't good for you right now, then just upgrade, choose somebody else because they must be the problem. The reason you're not happy is because your spouse isn't making you happy. And I'm not saying there's never a time biblically to step out of a relationship. But what I'm saying is this and that is, most people will not find that their second or third or fourth person that they get with makes them happy. And it was just the spouse's problem. What they'll do is they'll take their problems with them and they would have been far better off to say, if I work through my stuff, I will end up in a better place. 

Here's the fourth thing. And that is we're told in essence, again, among the lies that our culture will kind of try to convince us that monogamy is overrated. In other words, we can get with lots of people, maybe serially, but lots of people over a lifetime. And that will be good. I saw some research this week. It popped up in my feed, and I had to read it because it was a good title. It says, "If a guy's wearing this, he's more likely to cheat say experts." And then it's cites research at the University of Michigan. So, this is tax dollars going to good use. And they published their findings in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The reason I want you to get this is this is not the Bible. This is the University of Michigan doing a study and saying, what makes somebody likely to cheat? Here's what they found. 

Men who wear shirts embellished with large luxury logos are more likely to cheat than men who wear shirts with smaller logos. Just let that sink in. I don't know what that means entirely. Other than the fact that the article goes on to say that their theory is that men who were bigger logos are showing that they have wealth, and that they're on the prowl and are open to a cheating relationship. And those men basically admit it in the University of Michigan research. And here's why I found that fascinating, besides the fact that I have some friends who were big logos shirts, and that is in our culture, it's almost like, what are your signals that tell people you're ready or willing to say, I don't need to be monogamous? Here's another study. 

This is University of Chicago. Again, not the Bible, no horse in the game for the Bible, from the University of Chicago. Understand, University of Chicago wants to disprove the Bible when they do a survey. They don't want to confirm it. This is from a man named Danny Akin and his book, God on Sex. I don't necessarily agree with everything that he has to say, but here's what he said about this. He says, "It's not surprising a University of Chicago study reports that those doing it God's way, monogamous, lifelong relationship, report that they have the most satisfaction with their sex lives. When the University of Chicago researchers set out to discover which religious denominations had the best sex, they learned that the faithful don't do all of their shouting in church. Conservative Protestant women report by far the highest satisfaction. Mainline Protestants and Catholics lag five points behind. Those with no religious affiliation were more than 33% behind. Unitarians don't want to read any further." 

Then he says this. "Sexually active singles had the most sexual problems and get the least pleasure out of sex. Men with the most liberal attitude about sex are 75% more likely to fail to satisfy their partners." And then it says this. "The most satisfied sexual demographic were married couples who had a religious affiliation between the ages of 50 and 59." That's good news for those of you who are like in your 40s and headed there at some point. Here's what that says. Again, University of Chicago, this is not the Bible. This is the University of Chicago, did a study, and what they found is that the people who had the highest satisfaction were people who were in lifelong monogamous relationships, with a religious conviction that brought them to it. But you turn on your television set, you stream a show and who seems like they're the happiest. It's the 20 something who's jumping in bed with whoever comes along next to them. And according to the University of Chicago, they have the least sexual satisfaction. 

In other words, God has a way, his way is best. And if you make it your way and act accordingly, you have a better chance to build the kind of thing that you actually want. 

Here's one more lie from our culture. And that is, gender is meaningless. In other words, our culture will tell us, look, there's men, there's women. There is no distinction. But again, in the Bible, what we have is we have men, we have women, and that the two together form one flesh. In other words, it's something that is good and right about the genders that bring something together that forms a home. In other words, you're completed in part by members of the opposite sex. 

Now, again, I want to say one of the reasons I hesitate to even teach something like this is because I know some of you are here right now, and you're saying, you know what? I don't have the ideal, and I'm sad about it. But I also want you to know that one of the things God loves to do is bring beauty from situations that are less than ideal. One of the privileges I get, and I think this is a privilege, is sometimes I get to officiate a wedding for somebody who's getting married a second or a third time. And you may say a privilege? That sounds like it's counter to what you're saying. I say, it's a privilege because God loves to redeem what has been broken and heal what has been messy. And sometimes we need to just simply say, I may not be where I want to be, but it doesn't mean that I can't go where it's best. 

I saw another thing come through my feed this week. I may have spent too much time online. But I was hooked by this one also. It was called Buttergate. Why Canadians are complaining about hard butter. I mean, how do you not read that article? Here's what it said. "Something's amiss with Canadian butter. According to local foodies, who've been arguing for weeks that their blocks of butter appear to be harder to spread than usual. These so-called Buttergate anecdotes have been spreading online as many Canadians are complaining that butter at room temperature does not spread." So, here's what's happening. In Canada, people are getting their butter, they're leaving it on their counter. They're going to butter their toast. And they're destroying the toast because the butter won't spread. And so, everybody's blogging about Buttergate in Canada, evidently, at least according to this article. And here's what they say. 

"Food experts have churned up palm fat in cow feed as the likely culprit. Do you notice their little pun there? Churned up cow fat. Anyway, what they found was that what they think has happened and they haven't totally proved this. What they think is happening is that as there was more demand for butter and there weren't more cows, they put palm fat into the cow's diet because they produce more butter so they could get more butter on the tables. But now the tables and the butter are hard to spread. Now, why do I find that besides the fact that you got to find a use for Buttergate? Here's why. Some of us are believing that if we simply go to the store, get the butter, put it on our table, it will always be good. If we simply live our lives, however we want to, if we simply do what we've always done, what comes natural to us, we'll get the right result. 

But if you go back farther and you don't have the right foundation, if the roots aren't going deep and wide in the place that they need to go, then you won't be shocked someday to say, I don't know why this isn't really working for me, the way that I thought that it would. Let me just simply read to you what Colossians three says about family. This is just a couple of verses later about from being rooted. I'll just read this without comment. "Wives submit yourselves to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." 

You see, the Bible has a picture. And it says, if you will root yourself in God's way, then there is a better outcome. But if you believe the lies, if your process is broken, if you don't root yourself, then you don't know the outcome. Now I know. And as I talk about this, that there are a lot of different responses. Some of us are right now having a little internal argument, you're saying, well, what about, what about, what about? And you have a list of things where you go, this doesn't include this or that. And here's all I simply want to say to you. Take it up with God and the Bible ultimately because this isn't just my thinking. This is how the Bible has been interpreted for thousands of years. And if we get something from the Bible that hasn't been gotten for thousands of years, there's a chance that it's our generation making it up. 

Some of us, what's happening when we hear this, as we're saying, I've made a mess. I made decisions. I've made choices. I haven't contributed to the good of my home. And again, the Bible is a story of God's redemption, of his grace, of God taking what's messy and broken and making it beautiful. And it may not happen in immediate time. But if we get on the track, then one day we can say, God will make beautiful what's been broken. It may not be till the next life, but it will happen. And the reason that that's important is because all of our good things are but a little taste of what will be our ultimate thing. And all of the things that are wrong and broken and messy that we experienced now, ultimately are things that we need to say. It just points me to the fact that there's something more ultimate than just my current situation. 

You see, we can spend all kinds of time trying to make our house nice, but the reason that we want a nice house as we envision a nice home. But what we really need to do is be building a foundation, a root system day after day, week after week, month after month, by saying, I will say God's way is best. His way will be my way and I'll act accordingly. And by the way, if you've been one of the people who say, well, I've already stepped outside of that, I already made a mess. That's what the gospel is about. We all make a mess, but God has said, I, because of what Jesus Christ have done, love you and forgive you and can offer you an incredible future anyway. That's the message of Christianity. And there's no place like our homes that reminds us how desperately we need grace. Because even if you do a lot of this stuff right, there are days when you're a jerk. You're an idiot. You're a fool in your home. 

You might think I'm being harsh but ask your spouse. And it reminds us that it is God's work on our behalf that we ultimately need, but don't let that stop you from saying, but there is an ideal, and I can have something that I dream about even here and now, a blessing that will fill this generation and the generations ahead. Father, thank you for having a blueprint, a picture for what can be for us. And God, I know that as one who hears the streaming and the shows that sometimes I can just start asking the question. Is there really a way that's preferable? But God help us to stop and just ask the question, what really leads to human flourishing? What really is your design? And to see that your way is the best way and to align our ways with it, hundreds, thousands of times, little choices that will result in a tree that can't be easily uprooted. And we pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.