Happier #2 - Single and Complete
Message Description
Dr. Kurt Bjorklund continues the Happier message series looking at 1 Corinthians 7:17-40 and what this passage says about being single and still complete through our relationship with Christ.
Message Transcript
So, I recently heard about this movie that's out called American Underdog. I haven't seen it, but it's, evidently, one of these Christian movies that Christians make where they try to have broad appeal. They have this movie that's supposed to have morals and be compelling. And it's the story of Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner was a quarterback who tried out for the NFL, didn't make it, and was bagging groceries.
And then he got his shot to try to make it with the Saint Louis Rams. That's how far back it goes. They're now in Los Angeles if you're tracking. And he made the team. The starting quarterback got hurt, and he got put into a game. He played well, and then he had a dream season, led them to win the Super Bowl, was the Super Bowl MVP, and was living a storied life.
And I haven't seen this movie, but I read a blog about it. So, this is how I came to this knowledge. And according to the blog, what they said was, that the movie was good. And then it created this crisis about how was he going to live for football or was his life going to have something more important.
And what they basically did in the movie, according to this blog, was that they set up that the more important decision wasn't faith versus football, it was family versus football. And the critique that they gave of the movie was that basically a lot of Christians, according to this blog said, what a lot of Christians do is that they make family the ultimate. They make having a family, being a family, living, and family almost the top priority for people of faith. And that in doing this, there's a sense in which sometimes we elevate family to a point of idolatry, where family becomes what is most important for many of us in our lives.
I heard about one young woman who had decided she was going to pray consistently, and after she had prayed for a while, she said, I found out that I was praying a lot about myself. And so, I decided I needed to pray, but I didn't want to pray just about myself so I decided to pray for others. And so, she would end her prayers by saying, and God, I pray that you would give my mother a great son in law.
Because what we tend to do, again, is we tend to say this is the ultimate. And here's what's true in the Bible. In Genesis two, at the very beginning, we're told that it's not good for a man to be alone. And so, God creates a woman. And He says, I want you to live with a sense of community and family but when we come to First Corinthians seven, what you heard read, there's a different picture of marriage, and it's this, and that is Paul says, listen, if you can't control yourself, go ahead and get married.
Does anyone else find that to be a little counter to the messages we tend to hear about marriage today? But it's in the Bible. That's what Paul says. He says, well, listen, it's better if you're single, but if you can't control yourself, go ahead and get married. That is what he says. And here's what's also true about singleness today in our culture, and that is according to some statistics, 18 to 34-year-olds, 51% of them will be single. 30% of men and 28% of women are currently not married and have no intention of getting married. And even if you're married, 40 to 45% of marriages end in divorce, meaning there's a 40 to 45% chance, even if you're married, that at some point you'll be single again, just statistically speaking.
And what I'd like to do today is talk about two myths about our contentment around the issue of marriage. We started a series two weeks ago that we've called Happier. We're looking at First Corinthians seven through ten, and last week we talked about being married and content, and today we're going to talk about being single and complete because First Corinthians seven talks about marriage, but it also talks about singleness.
And the first myth that we want to talk about is this, and that is that I need to find the one to be happy. And this is everywhere in Christian circles, but it's also in our culture. And I would suggest that my research for the culture giving us this idea is just any music or TV or movies that you consume.
It really doesn't matter what your genre of music is. There is a good chance that on your current playlist somewhere there are songs that talk about finding the person, embracing being in love, how great life will be when you're in love, and how you will be happy when you find the person. In a lot of TV shows and movies, the themes, and the plots are to find somebody and engage in a relationship with somebody. Then you're happy when you find somebody.
One Christian pastor who is well known used to argue, he has kind of fallen from prominence, but he used to argue that if you're single, you're living a life that isn't ideal. I think he's wrong because Paul says that being single is actually better than being married. That's his words. That's not mine.
And again, that goes counter to a lot of what we hear and consume, both in our culture and in our secular culture. But here's what Paul says at one point. This is verse 40. “In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.“ And that word happier in the original language is the word blessed.
If you are familiar with the Sermon on the Mount, Matthew five through seven, where Jesus says, blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, blessed are the meek, blessed are the poor in spirit. This is that word. And so, here's what Paul is doing. He's taking Jesus' word for blessing. He's saying, you're more blessed if you stay single than if you're married.
Again, that isn't how we typically tend to think about this subject. And part of the issue is we romanticize romance to such an extent that we have in many ways, both inside and outside the church, made romance the ultimate goal in our world. There's a quote from a man named Ernest Becker. This is from his book, The Denial of Death, and I bring this out every couple of years and read it because I think it's so spot on. And he wrote this years ago, and it was a Pulitzer Prize-winning book, and he wrote at that time as an agnostic, not a person of faith. His journey later took him to faith, but at this time, he was writing not from a perspective of faith.
Here's what he says. He says, “We are the first society who has a widespread belief that there's no ultimate future, the first society that's truly secular, that believes that when you die, that is it. There has never been a society that has had a view of so much insignificance of human life. Therefore, there's never been a society that has had to put so much emphasis on finding your one true love. We secular people need to know that our lives still matter in the grand scheme of things. We still want to merge ourselves to some higher meaning and trust and gratitude. But if we no longer believe in God, how do we do this? One of the first ways that occurred to the modern mind was the romantic solution. The self-glorification that human beings need in our innermost beings. We now look not to God, but we look to the love partner. What is it we want when we elevate our love partner to this position? We want to rid ourselves of our faults. Our feelings of nothingness. We want to be justified. We want to know that our existence is not in vain.”
Do you hear how what he's saying is actually he uses religious language? He says what we want from our love partners is we want to be justified. We want to be rid of our faults and to be told that our lives are not nothing. And so, we load all of that into a love partner because we aren't finding it from God in our society. And what it's doing ultimately is creating in us this over-dependence on a love partner and putting in them something that they can't give us.
Now, I realize if you're hoping that your upcoming marriage, your future boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or somebody you haven't met yet is going to deliver this to you, you're saying this is not helpful right now. But what I want to say to you is Jerry Maguire was wrong. If you remember that old movie, Jerry Maguire, when he uttered those lines that people thought were so romantic, you complete me. If you're looking for somebody to complete you, your marriage will be difficult because you'll be demanding from your spouse that they eliminate your faults, that they deal with your feelings of nothingness, and they justify you, things only God is meant to do. And what it will do is, it will mean that you will load into and demand from your partner things that they can't give you. Because if you're not happy and complete by yourself, you will make somebody else miserable in a marriage.
And here's what I believe Paul is ultimately doing. What he says is these verses seven and eight, “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” And what he's doing is he's saying, listen, if you're unmarried, learn to be content where you are. He's saying that that is your first place. And don't assume that having somebody in your life will somehow complete you or make you happy. That finding the one is not the answer.
And then he argues the same thing, by the way, from circumcision verses 18 and 19, and then slavery verses 20 and 21. And here's what he's in essence doing. He's saying, you can think that if I change my circumstances, if I go from being single to having somebody, then I'll be content. You can think that if I get more religious with the right circumcision, and the right rituals, then I'll be content. You can think that when I have a better economic situation, then I'll be complete.
But you should learn to be complete where you are because if you think that being complete or happy is on the horizon, you're mistaken. And here's how you know this is true. If you've ever upgraded something like, say, your house. If you ever got a bigger house than the house you got and maybe it was 10% bigger, well, let me just ask you, were you 10% happier after you got that 10% bigger house?
I mean, maybe for a while. And it's not that the Bible is against upgrading your house or your economic situation or trying to improve your life situation. But what happens is we live with this idea that says, when I get this, when I reach this, when I have this, then I'll be happy and content, and we go through life and we're never content. We're never happy because we're always looking for the next thing. And what happens when you get a 10% bigger house is you have 10% more to clean, 10% more to take care of, and 10% higher taxes to pay. It doesn't work that it always makes us happier. If we're not content or complete in who we are, then when we bring somebody else into the equation, it doesn't bring the hope or the relief that we hoped for.
In fact, Paul is even stronger than this. This is verse 28. He says this, “But if you do marry, you have not sinned;” Thanks for that, Paul. And then he says, “and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” This is in the Bible. And this is why I say sometimes we over elevate this idea of marriage and family because here's what he's saying. He's saying, I want you to know that when and if you marry, you find that person, that perfect person to spend the rest of your life with, even then you're going to have trouble. It's not going to be easy.
And here's what I can say to those of you who are young and haven't been married yet or maybe you were married for a while and you still believe this. Check with people who've been married for a while and what they will tell you is that, yes, there are troubles that come with marriage. Now, they can also tell you there are great things that come with it. And that there are wonderful things in the companionship. But there are some things that are just going to be harder if you're married because when you're single, you make your own choices. You do what you want to do when and how you want to do it. But when you're married, you have to account for somebody else's way of thinking about things.
I remember when I got married, and I got married 30 years ago, it was 1991. And I tell you that because it's relevant to how I experienced early marriage. So, in 1991, if you were around back then and many of you were not so excuse the old guy talk about 30 years ago, but the way that television worked at that time was if you had a TV, which we did, my father-in-law I think bought us a 19-inch TV, it was this big thing that took up the whole corner of the room. There were no flat screens, there were no little screens where you went to your room or another part of the house and watched something that you wanted to watch. There was one box that gave you everything you wanted, and we didn't have money when we were first married. So, there was no cable. We had rabbit ears.
Do any of you remember this? And because it was 1991, there were only three networks. Fox hadn't yet become a dominant network. That was a little later when they bought into the NFL. So, there was ABC, NBC, CBS, and PBS, and we lived in the city of Chicago so there was WGN. There were five choices on the television. Now you know the reason again I'm telling you this is because what you did if you were home at night, is you either pick something from one of those five places, there was no DVR, there was nothing else that you could do. There was no streaming. You read a book or you talked, that's what you did. Now, some people would say maybe that was a richer time for us than it is today, where we have so many options that we are never forced to read a book or talk. But the reason I say this is I lived in the house for a while before my wife moved in because we were married.
And so, I was living there. Then she moved in, and so I had my five choices on a consistent basis before she moved in, and it was the early nineties and I was living in the house. It was the Michael Jordan Bulls era. And what I found was that I could do some of my light work for grad school while consuming Bulls games. And on the nights they weren't on - Cubs games. And so, that was on constantly for me. And you know what happened when I got married, I realized that my wife did not want to consume Bulls games and Cubs games. And all of a sudden there was trouble. Now, I don't say that, and I realize if you have trouble, like that's small, trying to say, can I watch a Bulls game or Cubs game? You don't want to watch that and our only two options are to watch the same thing or to do something else.
But all of a sudden, when you get married, there are issues about whose house we go to for Christmas. What do we do for vacation? Do we have to go to your family again? Oh, come on. Where is the amen – the preach it at this moment? And what I'm saying is, there are troubles, impulses. I want you to know if you think being married will solve all of your problems, it will actually add to your problems. It won't necessarily make it easier. And in the Bible, being single was complete. Jesus was single. Paul was single. There were several other prominent figures in the Bible that were single. And so, if you're not good at being alone, you won't be good at getting married. So, learn to say it's not when I get married or with somebody that I'll be happy - learn to be happy where you are because a happy person will make a good spouse.
There's a second myth and this is what I'm just going to say is a myth that I need to find the one in order to have an impact. What sometimes we tend to think is, God, I'll serve you and I'll make a difference for you when, and we fill in a blank and we say, when I get the right job, when I'm married, when we have kids, when the kids leave home, when I retire, when I, and it's always something in the future where we say, that's when I'll really maximize where I'm at.
And here's what Paul says. Verse 32. He says, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife - and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
And here's what he's saying. He's saying, actually, if you're single you have more opportunities to please and serve the Lord than you do if you're married. Again, runs counter to how we tend to think about it. And I don't think he's ultimately saying, although he's indicated that's why he prefers that we stay single, but what he's saying is to learn to leverage the situation you're in for the bigger purposes. Rather than always choosing to say, one day maybe I'll be able to do something significant with this.
And here's maybe how to think about this. And I'm going to state this in a way that that if you're younger, you may say that sounds like old musings of an old guy, but if you're younger, ask any older person and they'll tell you that I speak the truth here. So, when you're first single, you feel like you are busy, crazy busy. And then what happens is you get married and you say, wow, I had no idea how much flexibility and freedom I had until I got married.
And then if you're fortunate and blessed to have a child, you have a child and you say, wow, I had no idea how hard it is to take care of a child. I had so much time when it was just the two of us. And then when you have a second child, you go, wow, it was really easy to have one kid. Now we have two, well, how did we ever think we could do this? And then you have a third child and you think, wow, it was really easy when we had two, I'm so busy. And then you have a fourth and it keeps going. And I stopped at four because as I used to say, our minivan was full and our bank account was empty. And some people keep going.
And the point is, what is true is if you're single, if you're married with no kids, you're married with one kid, you actually have more to give than when you have a lot because your attention and what is required of you just grows. You can say the same thing about kids in college. Have you ever talked to somebody who's in college? And they're like, I'm busy - I'm just so busy. And you think, really? You have to go to class Monday, Wednesday, and Friday this week for 2 hours a day, and you have the rest of your week to figure out how to study and take care of all that you have to take care of. I'm sorry.
And then what happens is, they get a job when they're done, and you know how this works. At least it used to work. Now some people are working from home. Maybe it isn't quite the same, but it used to be. My boss wants me to show up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday from eight to five. How can I possibly do that and do my life? And then what happens is if you're good at your job, soon you get more responsibility. So, all of a sudden, those 40-45 hours that you're at work are harder and you don't have time to surf the Internet or take care of some stuff. And you think, this is crazy. They're working me so hard. And then if you're really good at your job, you're given more responsibility. And what happens is you can't get it all done in 45 hours and at the same time you're getting married, you're having kids and your life is multiplying, and you start saying, I don't have the time.
And here's what Paul is saying. If you're in a season where you have time, you have space, embrace it and leverage it for something more than just your own ends. Because we tend to think, one day I will choose to invest my life. And the truth is, the only life that you have to invest in is the life that you have right now. And so, if you're waiting to say, when I get to the next step of my career, when the kids leave home, when I'm retired, when, when, when - your when may never come. And Paul here, I think his argument is really simple, and that is, he's saying, I want you to know and to use the time that you have for something greater.
But there's one more thing that's important here. And this is in verse 23, he says this. “You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings.“ Now, why is that right here in the middle of this passage? You see, what I believe happens for many of us is we're a slave, maybe not to human beings, but to the perception or perceived perception of human beings. And that is, we say, I need this thing to be happy. I need a spouse, I need my children, or I need my kids to do well. I need a good job. I need a better house. I need a better vacation. I need something. And that's where my happiness is contained. And what we do is we go through life loading so much into those things that we say when I get that, or if something happens that takes it away, then I'm devastated.
And in a sense, what this is, is the idealization or making an idol of something where we're saying this is the thing that I must have to receive life happily. Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that having a spouse or having a career or having a more successful way of life with more income is a bad thing or having a house or wanting those things are bad.
But what I'm saying is when we make them ultimate, when we make them the thing, what we're doing is we're loading so much weight into them that we actually become slaves to them, where we say, now I have to arrange everything in my life to get that or keep that. And that's not freedom. And so, when Paul says here, you are bought with a price, he's referring to Jesus Christ’s death on the cross.
And Christians rightly talk about death on the cross being the substitution for our sins, the saving of our souls from our sins for the future. And that's absolutely right because sin is violating God's law. But there's another aspect to sin. It's also loving something the wrong way - loving something too much. That's what the Bible means when it talks about idolatry. Being bought with a price, and not being a slave to human beings means that what happens is you actually can live with freedom from saying, I have to have this to be happy because now God has declared my value and my worth because what we are worth is what someone will pay for us. And God, the God of the universe, gave his son, his only begotten son, his beloved son, so that you could be free from saying, I have to get my worth from all these other things.
You see, your freedom and my freedom happen at the cross when we say I was bought with a price, and whatever else that I think I'm valuing, needing, requiring, demanding of this life is not where I get my value. And here's why this is freeing, because as soon as I can say I was bought with a price, my value comes from Jesus Christ. Not from this thing. Now I'm free to say I would like this thing. I'm going to pursue this thing. But it is not my ultimate thing. It's not my God. It's not my idol. My God is God. And He's already declared if you have come to faith in Jesus Christ, that you are his loved child, and therefore I don't need anything else, and that's when I'll be free. That's when you'll be free.
Now, admittedly, that's a lifelong struggle because we all have things that keep coming up that we say, well, if I could get this, maybe if that worked out, if I could have that, then I'd be good but if we can be free and say, that would be nice, a nice to have, but I already have my worth and my value because it's defined by God, not by these things. Then I haven't taken something that was never intended to hold the weight of my soul. A spouse is not intended to complete you. You're intended to be complete in Christ.
So, if you're here and you're a young woman and you're saying, what I need right now is I need a guy to love me, so I have value. You don't understand the gospel of Jesus Christ, or at least you haven't applied it to yourself. If you're here and you're a young man and you're saying what I need is a young woman to want me so that I feel good and valuable, you don't understand the gospel of Jesus Christ because the gospel is you are good and valuable apart from those people and their desires for you.
If you're middle age and you're back on the market, and you're thinking no one will love me again, you don't understand the gospel because you've been loved by God, apart from what your past spouse, your future spouse, or any other person on a dating app thinks about you or how they swipe around you.
And until we get that, we will be slaves to what other people think and who wants to live that way. There's freedom in Jesus Christ. There's freedom in the cross. And so, my hope is that even if you're here and you're saying I haven't really seen myself as a Christian or a person of faith, that you would say, at least I hope that's true. And I would love for that to be true for me. And maybe you start a journey of exploring faith today.
And if you're a person who's believed for a long time, I hope that you will be able to say I was bought with a price. I have value in who Jesus says I am, not in what I think I need in this world
God, I pray today that you would meet each of us in our need and that we would be able to say definitively that we are bought with a price and our value comes from you, not from the culture or the definitions that we impose on ourselves. And we pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.