I did not understand the word “agape” until I did some research, reading, and soul-searching for this blog; but now I believe I have a better understanding. I realize that I have experienced times of agape love for others in my personal life with family and in ministry. To be honest, in those few times, instead of praising God, I prayed, “Father, wouldn’t someone else be better at this than me?”

C.S. Lewis wrote and defined The Four Loves: “storge” - affection exemplified in the love of a parent for their children; “philia”- friendship; and “eros” - sexual, romantic love. Storge, philia, and eros love, while temporarily fulfilling, can be a rival to the fourth love: “agape,” which is God’s gift of love that is “impossible to experience apart from the grace of God.”

In a 2004, Christianity Today article, David Hansen wrote that we could get burned out trying to seek or live out storge, philia, or eros loves, but “in their proper place and with the proper balance, these loves are supremely, satisfyingly human. They are also wonderfully divine. But agape is brutal love.”

Mr. Hansen’s article continued:

“Agape is the love word for absolute, unself-centered, brutal sacrifice. Its central meaning, found in the New Testament derives from Jesus' death on the cross: "For God so loved (agapao) the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life" (John 3:16). God’s steadfast love, deep compassion, and delight for mankind are magnified in agape when Jesus’ life was brutally sacrificed for us.

In Matthew 16:21- 23, Peter misunderstood Jesus' decision to live out agape. In his response to Peter's rebuke, Jesus called Peter "Satan." Jesus followed the admonishment with these words to all who believe in Him (v. 24): "Deny yourselves, pick up your cross, and follow me." When it came time for His life to be sacrificed, Jesus prayed: "Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want" (Mark 14:36). "At three o'clock Jesus cried out with a loud voice, 'Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" which means, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'" (Mark 15:34).

When a person is born again (John 3:9), they come to understand the love of a Father-God whose desire for mankind is to have a personal relationship with Him. How does a person “pick up their cross” or set their own desires, wishes, or conveniences aside to share in agape love?

Later, in Matthew 22:38-39 we read Jesus’ response to a scribe who asked Jesus which commandment was the most important. Jesus repeated the Old Testament words of a traditional Jewish prayer (Deuteronomy 6:4-9): "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Jesus added, “...and with all your mind. And the second (commandment) is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” In other words, place God first in all that you love, think, do, and love others as you wish to be loved.

To be honest, there have been times in my personal life and in ministry when I have not wanted to be in a situation where I had to listen to or simply be present with a person who was hurting in an agonizingly brutal situation. I knew that God wanted me to be present for a person, but in my humanity, I wanted to run. Those times were/are emotionally and spiritually painful and sometimes, after praying with them, all I could say was a sincere, "I'm so sorry.” I now know those experiences are only endured through agape love: “the commitment to put the other person first regardless of conditions or circumstances.” (Dr. Jim Denison)

I remember the hurt of wanting to be out of the room when the doctor told my friend’s husband that she would never walk again after a golf cart accident. For a year, I honestly dreaded every day that I drove her twenty-some miles to physical therapy. I was aware of every step I took in front of her as she sat paralyzed in her wheelchair.

Another time, in a quiet hospital room I sat beside and listened to a dying mom tell me she did not know what would happen to her three children. I did not pray the exact words that Jesus prayed in Gethsemane as He faced the physical and spiritual pain at the Cross, but I remember wanting the Father to “take this cup,” this deep sorrow from me. It was the Father’s agape love that kept me tearfully praying with her in sharing her deep sorrow.

Agape can be found in other ways: in faithful tithing when finances are uncertain; opening one’s home to a foster child, an immigrant, or an aging family member; donating blood or an organ; or even experiencing obvious rejection when standing firm in sharing the Gospel message with a loved one or friend. We are privileged to share in the “unself-centered” love that comes from and points to God, the Father.

What do I understand a little better about agape love? That brutal love that Christ experienced is beyond encounters of deep sorrow, heartache, or inadequacy that most of us will have on this earth. But I/we will face times of agape. To “pick up your cross” means first to be aware of this kind of love and secondly, to seek the Presence of the Holy Spirit to guide us. I know the Holy Spirit was with me in the past and will bless each of us in the future as we seek to obey the two most important Commandments found in Matthew 22.

Through a daily sacrifice of time set aside in Bible reading, prayer, and worship, in those times when agape is needed, we can ask the Father for His will, as Jesus did, instead of asking, “Father, wouldn't someone else be better at this than me?”